Writing through fog

At the start of this year I had so many writing plans, and an actual schedule for finishing things and eventually even putting them out there where people could see them. I was really excited. The last time I had this many ideas I was a teenager (about a decade ago). I was finally making some progress with my writing, finally feeling like an actual writer and not just someone trying to be a writer.

But then brain fog.

I’m used to dealing with brain fog. That’s why it has taken me so many years to get back to a place where I can write consistently. I had finally got to the place with my health where I could write. Not as much as most people, not for as long as most people. I wasn’t churning out words by the thousands. But I was writing almost daily, and enjoying it.

Then covid. (Despite being double vaxxed and boosted. Despite washing my hands and wearing a mask and restricting my activities and trying so hard to keep myself and others safe. Despite all of that, because nothing is 100% risk free.) (And living with a school child is definitely not risk free.)

I can’t be the only writer struggling right now. My brain feels heavy. The ideas are still there, but catching them is like trying to catch smoke. I can see them, and then I reach for them to put them down on paper and they dance away. Each word feels like it’s being pulled out of quicksand. I don’t know how many more similes I can come up with to explain the feeling, but it’s horrible. I know I can write. I have the ideas. The characters feel alive. But turning that into actual words that make sense is just so bloody difficult.

It’s disheartening to think that I spent years building myself up into a functioning person only to be set right back and have to start over. That perhaps it will be another decade before I’m back to where I was. Where I had clawed my way to.

I’m hoping it won’t be. I have the tools this time. I’ve done it once, and I can do it again, and perhaps, since now I know what I’m doing, I can do it faster, more efficiently.

But having to do it at all really, really sucks.

And I have so many ideas that I want to write.

And I’m just so damn tired of feeling tired.

A ramble about Discworld

I finished reading the last Discworld novel, and now I feel rather emotional. The book was good (it’s The Shepherd’s Crown, one of the Tiffany Aching books), and parts of it are quite sad, as it does deal with death, but that’s not really why it made me feel so much.

I know I’m late to the party. Sir Terry Pratchett died in 2015, and most fans have done their mourning. And yes, I was very sad at the time. But I hadn’t read all of the books then. I still had Discworld novels waiting for me, new parts of the world to explore, new characters to meet and old ones to revisit in new stories. Now, with that last page, it’s finally, truly over.

The first Discworld book I read was The Colour of Magic. Yes, I know, most people say ‘don’t start with the Colour of Magic, the later ones are better’, and yes, I agree, the later books are better. But the Colour of Magic was my introduction to the magical world of the Disc, and as a small child (seven or eight? I can’t remember), it was wonderful. I loved Rincewind, and I loved the Disc, and I loved the Luggage that sprouted legs. It was the weirdest fantasy I’d ever read. Even Narnia (the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was the first fantasy book I ever read, and the first proper novel I sat down and read by myself as a child), with its wardrobe and lamppost, wasn’t as creative, wasn’t as exciting, wasn’t as magical.

I remember my dad taking me to Borders (back when Borders was still a thing, I think the one we used to go to is closed down now) so that I could pick out the next Discworld book. I remember scanning the shelves, searching for a copy of the Light Fantastic, knowing that once I got my hands on it, I could go back to the Disc, and lose myself in magic again. I also remember a very friendly customer noticing that we were looking at the Discworld books, and helpfully warning ‘don’t bother with the Colour of Magic, it’s not worth it, the later ones are better’. Small Harri was shocked, and I remember telling him that I had already read that one and I loved it, so there.

Over the years, I’ve slowly read my way through the series, a book or so at a time. It’s always been comforting knowing that there was always another Discworld book waiting for me. And now, 20 years (ish) since I first picked up a Discworld book, I’ve finished them.

At least I know that I can always reread them. Perhaps from the very beginning again.

Top August Reads

Here are my five star reads for August.

Troy – Stephen Fry

I had been looking forward to this one since I finished Heroes. This installment in Stephen Fry’s mythology series was as engaging and enjoyable as the first two. Fry has a distinctive voice and makes the mythology accessible and easy to understand. It has made me want to reread the Iliad (although when I’ll have the time for that, I don’t know), and I’m really looking forward to the next installment about the Odyssey.

No. 6 volumes 3-9 – Asano Atsuko

I finished off the No. 6 manga this month. Oh my word, I love this series so much. I adore the anime, so it was about time I got round to reading it, and I wish I had read it sooner! In the dystopian city of No. 6, Rat and Shion work to take down the system. This series is angsty and romantic and exciting and sad and I’m so glad I finally finished it.

The Crystal Kingdom – The McElroys

Another book I’ve been waiting for, this is the latest installment in the Adventure Zone graphic novels. In this volume, Taako, Magnus and Merle head to Lucas Miller’s laboratory to reclaim another relic. The lab has been overtaken by weird pink crystals and danger and hijinks ensue. We’re introduced to my favourite character in this volume and it’s just as fun as the previous volumes, with fabulous art.

Appley Dapply’s Nursery Rhymes and The Tailor of Gloucester – Beatrix Potter

This month I decided to read the last few Beatrix Potter books that I hadn’t got to as a child. These were my two favourites. Appley Dapply’s nursery rhymes features this poem, which is why it got 5 stars:

'There once was an amiable guinea pig, who brushed back his hair like a periwig. He wore a sweet tie, as blue as the sky, and his whiskers and buttons were very big.'

What more could you want in a book than that? With his little top hat and cane!

The Tailor of Gloucester threw me right back into childhood, because there was a Beatrix Potter movie I used to watch at my grandma’s house which featured this story. It was wonderful reliving that by reading the book. Plus, Beatrix Potter’s illustrations are delightful as always.

Glitterland, Waiting for the Flood, For Real, and Pansies – Alexis Hall

A while back I asked for recommendations for queer romance books with happy endings, but a lot of angst on the journey. I now have a goodreads shelf entitled ‘recs to make me feel something’. The Spires series by Alexis Hall was one of those recommendations, and this month I got round to reading them. And oh boy, did they fit my specifications exactly!

Each novel follows a different couple, and the books can be read as standalone, although I did enjoy spotting the few cameos! It’s hard to choose my favourite out of the four.

Glitterland deals with mental health, as one of the mcs has bipolar, and it definitely does not shy away from the dark and painful reality of mental health problems. Ash is a hard character to like at first, although as someone who has dealt with my own mental health issues I felt like I definitely understood where he was coming from. Darian is a glitterball of sunshine and just an absolute delight of a character.

Waiting for the Flood features Edwin, a reclusive book binder, and Adam, a civil engineer working on the flooding in the area. This is a shorter story, and less steamy than the other books in the series, but it is wonderfully sweet, and I loved every single word.

For Real is about Laurie, a jaded sub, and Toby, a young dom brand new to the BDSM scene. I wasn’t sure going in how much I was going to like this one, but it surprised me. Laurie and Toby have a lot of things to work through, and I really loved joining them as they figured out their lives and their relationship.

Pansies is set predominantly in South Shields, which is just the other side of the river to me, and I always love reading books set in or near my home city. It’s bullies to lovers, which is a trope I’ve never really considered, but in Pansies I really enjoyed it. Alfie and Fen are another couple that are going to live rent free in my head for a long time!

The House of Hades – Rick Riordan

I’ve enjoyed the entirety of this series, but this was one was my favourite. I think what made it stand out was the journey through Tartarus, and also learning more about Nico, who is my favourite character in the entire Percy Jackson universe. I’m looking forward to reading more of Rick Riordan’s books, although I’m now unsure which series to read next.

Unicorn: The Memoir of a Muslim Drag Queen – Amrou Al-Kadhi

Oh boy, this book made me cry. This is a beautiful, poignant memoir that I think everyone should read. Whilst our situations are vastly different (I am from a white christian background), the way that Al-Kadhi talked about religious trauma really resonated with me. This is not an easy read, but it is definitely an essential one.

I keep writing angsty fanfic instead of my novel: A ramble

I’ve been really struggling with writing recently. I would like to blame the pandemic, although I can’t be sure that’s the cause of my problems. I suppose everything is just so tiring and overwhelming that it really eats away at my ability to concentrate and be creative. In terms of active projects I have, I have a completed first draft of a fantasy novel which I haven’t looked at since I typed the words ‘the end’, a half written historical paranormal romance which I’ve just decided needs replotting, and a new contemporary paranormal novel that is currently in the ‘incubating’ stage, where most of it is in my head and not on paper. I want to write. I have all of these ideas, all of these characters just chilling out in my head. And yet, when I sit down in front of my laptop, or open my notebook, the words escape me.

One thing I have been able to work on is my fanfiction. I think this is for a number of reasons. Firstly, there’s a lot less pressure. Fanfiction can’t be published to be sold, so I don’t have the ‘is this good enough to sell’ thoughts crowding my brain. My family don’t ask to read my fanfiction, so I don’t have to worry what they think about it. (My mum asking to read my historical romance, which features a gay couple, absolutely terrifies me. So far I’ve put her off by saying it’s not ready, which is true, but that won’t work forever and I know she’ll hate it.) Secondly, I don’t have to do as much groundwork. The characters and settings are already fully formed and I get to play with them, rather than creating from scratch. Thirdly, I tend to write short stories when I write fanfiction. There’s instant gratification when I can bash out a short story in a day, post it on AO3, and begin recieving comments and kudos that same day. (Not that I get a lot of comments. Please, if you read fanfiction, comment on the fic, even if you just say ‘great chapter, I loved it’. I promise you it will make the writer’s day.) With my larger projects, they sit without anyone reading them for months, even years. I could probably change that if I had more confidence, but letting people see my unfinished novels scares me.

I’m glad that I’ve been able to write at all, though. Writing angsty fanfiction has been a major coping mechanism for me over the last year and a half. I feel like I can put more angst into fanfiction than original fiction. Because it’s fanfiction I can be ridiculously self indulgent. I can write the tragic major character death story that made me cry typing it. I can write endless hurt/comfort fics that all feature similar premises but deal with the issues in slightly different ways. I can torture all of my favourite characters in order to deal with my own pent up emotions. It’s great. I highly recommend it as a coping strategy.

Today I wrote this blog post instead of working on my novel, but at least I wrote something.

Book Review: Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating by Adiba Jaigirdar

In Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating, Hani comes out as bi to her friends, who react in a less than supportive way. She wants to prove to her biphobic friends that she really is bi, decides that what she needs is a fake girlfriend. Enter Ishu, who wants to be head girl to impress her parents, but needs to become popular in school to get the class vote. Fake dating Hani could be her ticket to popularity and the head girl position.

Ishu and Hani are super different. I absolutely adore the grump and ray of sunshine pairing, and I loved all of Ishu and Hani’s interactions, especially their banter. Ishu is focused on studying. She has a complicated relationship with her sister and parents that have very high expectations, and she doesn’t see the point in being friendly to people she knows don’t like her. Hani is the opposite. She is popular, because she works hard to be friendly with everyone. She tries so hard to fit in, but her white friends don’t understand her culture. Hani and Ishu sound like they wouldn’t get on, but perhaps they are each what each other needs. Both characters are Bengali and Irish, although they have different Bengali backgrounds.

The book deals with parental expectations, peer pressure, cultural pressure, biphobia, family relationships and learning how to be yourself and follow your own dreams. It’s a beautiful book, with engaging characters and a story that had me hooked. I particularly liked how Hani has supportive parents, because I’m so used to reading YA where everyone has major issues with their parents. I also loved Hani’s relationship with religion, as a queer character who takes comfort in religion rather than being hurt by it.

The fake dating trope! I love this so much. I love that they have a document for the rules of fake dating. I love the slowburn as their relationship begins to develop and change. I love the banter between two very different personalities. I just love all of it! And the drama was so good. I binged the second half of the book because I desperately needed to know how it ended, and I wasn’t disappointed.

I loved this as an adult, and I just know it’s the kind of book I wish I’d been able to read as a teen. That must go double for any Bengali or other teens of colour, and I hope everyone who needs a book like this gets to read it.

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.

Book Review: The Anxiety Book For Trans People by Freiya Benson

The Anxiety Book for Trans People is a self help guide written by a trans person for trans people. The author has her own experiences with anxiety, giving this book a very authentic tone. The advice is good, but the thing I took most from this book was simply the validation of another trans person speaking candidly about anxiety.

The book is written in a friendly, down to earth way, and the explanations of anxiety are engaging and easy to understand. The book includes sections where different trans people, including nonbinary people, talk about their own experiences with anxiety. I think reading this will definitely help trans people to feel less alone. Sometimes it can feel like you’re the only person who is anxious about certain things, and that everyone around you has their life together, but this book shows that we’re all dealing with this together.

It’s really nice to see advice for anxiety specifically targeting trans people because so often our experiences are ignored in more general advice. As Benson writes, being trans can add another layer to the more general anxieties that most people experience. It can be hard to pull apart what is just anxiety and what are genuine fears due to being trans in a transphobic world. This book is a starting point for dealing with that, and includes some practical ideas of how to deal with anxiety.

This is a good book that I think any trans person who experiences anxiety will find validating and helpful.

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.

Book Review: Son Of The Storm by Suyi Davies Okungbowa

Son of the Storm is a fantasy novel set in a world inspired by the precolonial empires of West Africa. In the city of Basso, Danso is a clever scholar chasing forbidden stories of what lies beyond the city walls. He meets a warrior with magic that shouldn’t exist, and his discoveries and their consequences threaten to destroy the empire.

I was immediately absorbed into the world. The world building is wonderful. There is so much depth and breadth to everything and it all feels so real. The system of magic is really interesting, and quite unlike anything I’ve seen in other fantasy novels. There are complex politics, clashing cultures, and a caste system that the main characters have to navigate. There is just so much going on.

The beginning of the story does feel a little slow. Things are happening, but a lot of it is establishing the world, rather than the story. But when things do start happening, the excitement ramps up. This is a complex story, where the pieces slowly come together and the connections between the characters are gradually revealed. I really liked some of the character development. Danso is far too clever for his own good, and yet he’s also really naive and not so smart in non scholarly ways. Esheme, Danso’s intended, is ambitious and ruthless, and her parts of the story were my favourite. I also really liked Zaq. He was very conflicted, torn between his different responsibilities and desires, which made for good reading. And, I’ll be purposefully vague here to avoid spoilers, but the making of the villain was brilliant.

This is the first book in the Nameless Republic series, and I’m definitely looking forward to the sequel.

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.

Book Review: American Sherlock by Kate Winkler Dawson

American Sherlock is about Edward Oscar Heinrich, murder, forensics, and the birth of crime scene investigation. Taking place over the first half of the 1900s, the story of Heinrich’s life is intertwined with the murder cases that he worked on and the scientific techniques that he pioneered. Heinrich was referred to by the press at the time as the ‘American Sherlock Holmes’, and the parallels are clearly there. As a big Sherlock Holmes fan, I liked the inclusion of relevant quotes from the Holmes novels at the beginnings of each chapter.

This is the first time that anyone has gone through the entire archive of Heinrich’s papers, both forensic related and personal. I loved reading about how he kept pretty much everything, meaning that there was actually too much for archivists to deal with! All of these papers, from notes on criminal cases and experiments to personal correspondances to details of his finances, allow for a very detailed picture of Heinrich as a person to be built up. This is clearly a very well researched book, and a very interesting read.

The cases detailed in the book are interesting in their own right, and the methods used by the man solving them are fascinating. I loved reading about techniques that I’ve seen in modern CSI shows, liked using bugs to determine time of death, or very early profiling. There are plenty of gruesome details for true crime fans.

The book is very readable, with a compelling writing style, and well worth picking up if you have any interest in forensics and true crime.

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.

Book Review: The Outrage by William Hussey

In this YA dystopian novel, in England the Protectorate is in charge. There are rules for everything, and you’re safe only if you follow them. Gabriel is a natural rule breaker. His biggest crime is being gay. And his boyfriend’s father just happens to be the chief inspector at Degenerate Investigations.

CW: homophobia, homophobic language, self harm, suicide references, scenes of violence, ableism, racism.

This book has strong world building, with a fleshed out, painfully realistic dystopian setting. It has the standard YA dystopian set up of ‘society changes drastically for the worst after an event’, in this case ‘the outrage’. Hussey draws parallels to things like nazi book burning and UK section 28. I really liked the use of movies to highlight the importance of seeing people like yourself in the media (althought there were some questionable movie choices). There are some strong ideas in this book, and an interesting plot and compelling characters along the way.

A lot of it reads like a sweet, tragic love story. Eric and Gabe are so wonderful, soft and sweet and tough and loyal. They have a group of likeminded friends, and form their own private resistance against the police state that they live in. There is also a trans character who I really liked. However, as the plot progresses, things turn bad. Very bad. This book is not an easy read. It’s very heavy. Halfway through I was really struggling because of how horrific some of the events are.

This book is a wake up call to people in countries where being queer is legal now. Other countries are much more similar to the dystopia portrayed in the novel and the fight is far from over. It’s also a look at how easy it is to lose victories, which is especially important given the current situation with trans rights in the UK and US. Progress isn’t linear, and this is a good exploration of how our current politics and situation could lead to a loss of rights that we’ve gained. Whilst the opression on grounds of sexuality and gender is explored in depth, I did feel like the racism and ableism were brushed over somewhat, and therefore the book wasn’t as layered as it could have been. However, it’s a much more realistic dystopia than I usually see in YA novels, and I felt incredibly invested in the characters and their stories. Although it features a love story, this isn’t a romance, it’s a revolution.

4.5 stars.

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.

Book Review: Sage and King by Molly Ringle

First things first, I absolutely love Molly Ringle’s books! I was so excited to get a chance to read this one early. Sage and King was loosely inspired by King Arthur and Merlin, which, if I hadn’t already been desperate to read it, would have convinced me to pick it up. The story is set in a magical world, in the country of Lushrain. I really love the way Molly Ringle creates new worlds. I loved Eidolonia in Lava Red Feather Blue, and I love Lushrain.

In Lushrain, magic is forbidden, but the crowning of a new king means that there’s the chance to change the rules. We meet Zaya, the irresponsible young prince who is unexpectedly crowned king, Col, his tutor, a young sage with strong magical powers, and Orzei, the villain of the story, a character who is both mysterious and interesting. Zaya and Col need to work together to navigate politics, magic, and the threat of Orzei, but secrets and lies threaten to get in the way of their budding relationship.

Something I love about Molly Ringle’s books is that queer people get to just exist. The main characters are queer, but there are also side characters that are queer as well, and it’s done so casually. These characters get to exist and live and love and as a queer person that’s something that’s just really nice to see.

I adore Zaya and Col. I really like the ‘I don’t know if I like you yet but damn you’re attractive’ trope. (Is that a trope? I don’t know but I like it). I really enjoyed seeing them get to know each other, and the slow growth of understanding and acceptance between them. Also the flirting. The flirting!! This is definitely a pairing that will be living in my mind for a long time, I can tell. But as well as the romance, I also really liked the friendships, especially the one between Col and Trivin.

And then there’s Heartwood, home of the sages. Oh my goodness. This place is magical. The descriptions are so vivid. Also, I want to visit the Heartwood library because it sounds wonderful. I really love the system of magic as well. The way that it works through plants is so unique, and really clever.

I adored this book. It’s definitely going on my reread list. When everything goes down, oh my heart. I was on tenterhooks because I cared so much about the characters. I admit, I cried a little, and I don’t usually get that emotional over books.

Please read this book when it comes out, I need people to talk to about it!

I received this book from Netgalley for free in return for an honest review.